Some people will tell you they are terrified of dogs. Most people say it is an irrational fear, but many times the person who is terrified of dogs has been bitten, mauled, or had other traumatic experiences with them. They may have even done the inner work to tolerate dogs, be around other people’s dogs, and sometimes even have a dog of their own.
That pretty much describes my relationship with men.
Just like with dogs, I am extremely cautious. I do not give my heart or my trust easily. I am always aware of their presence and always on guard. For much of my life, I treated relationships with men the way I felt I had been treated by them: transactional.
The man who gave me life and his wife abandoned me. I was sexually assaulted by a man. Pretty much every man I have loved has abused me in one way or another.
I have heard of the mythical “good man.” I have read stories. I have seen movies. But I have never personally known a man of that caliber.
I have done a lot of inner work to change my perspective. I understand and respect the place men have in this world. They protect women and children. They build incredible structures, create businesses, invent, innovate, mentor, repair, and maintain the things society depends on. At the same time, they also make up the overwhelming majority of those who commit rape, theft, and murder. They have led nations to greatness and they have led nations into ruin. Much of America’s best and worst can be traced back to men.
Today I can usually see men as individuals, but that did not come naturally. That ability came through years of self help books, reflection, and God.
What has always been difficult for me is feeling like society expects women to love and accept men while minimizing the harm many women have experienced. We are expected to overlook abuse, excuse bad behavior, and celebrate men for doing the bare minimum.
I see examples of this all the time. When a man steps up to help care for his aging parents, he is often praised endlessly. Yet many times it is his wife carrying the emotional, physical, and day to day burden while he receives the recognition. His job is treated as the reason he cannot do more, even though he would have been working either way. My whole life I have watched women quietly carry impossible loads.
My grandmother, who raised me, cared for my dad’s wife as she died from cancer because it was something he could not do since he had to “work.” Later, I watched that same grandmother care for her own husband until he died from a preventable disease fueled by years of his own choices.
In my own marriage, one of the biggest struggles has simply been receiving basic respect as a human. I have spent years trying to humanize myself, forcing him to see me as a person instead of someone whose purpose is to meet someone else’s needs. The reminder has to be constant. Not one topic that is uncomfortable goes without having to enforce the idea of respect. Why?! It is exhausting to always fight to be recognized as a human, as a wife.
But I also know bitterness is not where I want to live.
The work I have done has not erased what happened to me, but it has kept those experiences from defining every person I meet. I still believe people are responsible for their own choices. I still believe character matters more than gender. And while I may never stop being on guard, I hope the world keeps producing men who earn trust instead of demanding it, who lead with humility instead of entitlement, who can be accountable for their mistakes, and who leave the next generation of women with stories very different from mine.
That is the kind of progress worth believing in.
